Well.... I guess it's an entirely new season from the last time I posted. Literally, it is 11 degrees outside. Emotionally, mentally, and all other "llys" you could probably come up with.
I guess I should probably mention that is August (before my last post) we moved in with my parents. I April, we decided it was maybe time for us to try the whole house buying adventure. We found a house that we really liked and put a contract in knowing full well it could be a few months since it was a short sale. Through miscommunication, we had to move out of our apartment at the end of July. That was rough. Those apartments, the one bedroom at first and then the two bedroom had been our whole lives together. It's where we moved on our wedding night. It's where we had a gigantic tv that took up a whole corner of our little living room and the color was off but where Lyndsay came over every Tuesday night to watch Stargate Atlantis and knit. It's where we found our Steve kitty and started to build our lego Taj Mahal! The two bedroom is where my sister and I stayed up until 2 A.M painting our whole living room and dining room red the night before my brother's highschool graduation. It's where two weeks later we found out we were going to have a baby. It's where I came home to after leaving that baby 11 week premature at the hospital for the next 88 days. It's where I started watching Harper's Island and Revenge even though I had avoided them, but pop-pop insisted they were the best shows and I should watch them, and so I did. It's where Oliver slept next to me for 6 months, rolled over to his belly, ate peas, learned to walk, said his first words. It's also where we had a marital glitch in our lives and where we decided it was just a glitch and that we weren't going anywhere. And in the mean time it was where we had finished the Taj Mahal :) It's also where I had three hermit crabs and lost three hermit crabs.... never again, never never never! Importantly, it's also where I became friends with Jeanne again after 7 years. Thank goodness. So those are just some of the reasons leaving was hard, not all by any means. Four years behind the doors that all looked the same from the outside, but held entire lives behind them, my were they memorable.
But here we are six months later and the world keeps turning and making new memories, mostly great ones, some bittersweet. Sometimes I am very very thankful that we had to move in here. It sometimes seems like God knows what is going to happen and sets it up accordingly. One good perk of being here, besides getting to spend time with my family, is that we thankfully had the money for Nate to start a masters class. He had been wanting to do that for a long time, so it was a good thing he was able to get his foot in the door.
On a less happy note, shortly after my last post, my grandfather had to go into the hospital. He had lost circulation in his leg and they found a blood clot. Unfortunately they were unable to get to it in time and he had to lose his leg. We thought after that, that he would recover. I mean he was in shock trauma so we knew that anything could happen. But none of us really thought that "anything" would actually happen. He spent weeks getting better only to take a step backwards. And eventually come November it seemed as if the step backwards were more often. Then sadly the weekend of November 16th, "anything" was happening. To us. To him. To this great man. The "anything" that I swore couldn't happen to him, was happening. On November 15th we all spent the day with him. He was not able to talk to us, but he was able to see us, acknowledge he knew we were there. Smile. See a video of his great grandchildren saying good morning and asking to see it again. I stayed with him and my family from the morning until midnight knowing I had to get home to be with Oliver. But we were all with him that day, listening to his favorite songs, telling him about our lives, watching him smile. It was a tough night at home. I held my breath, sleeping very lightly, waiting to hear the phone ring. I heard it all night long and prayed it would never come. The next day, the 16th, I sat and played Plants vs Zombies ignoring the outside world except for Oliver, waiting, never looking at the clock again praying the phone wouldn't ring. At some point during Oliver's nap, I looked up and realized I had been in a trance. I looked at the clock and wondered why we hadn't at least had an update. About 20 minutes later, it rang. That call that the "anything" had happened to us, approximately 20 minutes ago. I handed the phone to my dad and went up and sat in the shower for a long time after calling Nate to tell him the news. I cried and cried and cried, but the water protected me from feeling like I was crying. And I told my pop pop I would wait for him in my dreams to tell me he was ok. And then after I got out, I went back to putting on a tough face. The next day may have been the only day I have ever asked to be allowed to sleep in since Oliver came home. Nate took him down stairs for me and I fell back to sleep. And I dreamed of a voice.... a voice I'd heard numerous times in the same way. "hey Jess, it's pop pop" The same way that voice had announced himself on the other end of my cell phone for years. "I'm home" And then I woke up. And I just sat there for a while, before beginning the first day of a new life without him.
Two months and twelve days have gone by. It's still hard. We still dont do entire grocery trips and we still get choked up that he's gone. So much of our lives were him. But thank goodness we knew that already. It didn't take him passing away for us to know the greatness we had in our lives. We didn't have burned bridges, or should haves. We didn't wish we had talked to him more or seen him more. I still see him in every turn, hear his voice saying "hey check this out" like he did when he wanted to show us something. I watched Revenge for him and to help me always feel him I ordered myself a double infinity necklace with a November stone on it to remember that it was a time we all fought hard together and celebrated a great life. I won't lie, I still look for his emails that never come and I still look at our family pictures watching carry around Meghan's stuff or her in the early morning sunrise, so proud of his ham of a great grandson. I still look through that book with a picture I took to show him on the last day he saw Oliver and Lyla and thank the dear heavens that they both woke up from naps in time to come down and see him. And I will keep my broken kitchen chicken until the end of time because he fixed it once and I was going to ask him to fix it again. It's going to heal I know it, but for now if it hurts because I'm still trying to make sure I can feel him, that's alright with me!
On a lighter note.... yesterday I FINALLY turned 27 on the 27th when it was (kid you not) 27 degrees outside :) It was a great day. I managed to catch registration or this years Great Cloth Diaper Change in time to register both me/Oliver and Jeanne/Noah in the first 50 which means we get gift bags!!! Exciting right ;) I'm so glad to be doing it this year with Jeanne. I never would have thought that one day we would be changing our kids cloth diapers to be breaking a world record together lol I did my laundry. Believe it or not I like doing my laundry on Mondays so trust me, doing laundry on my birthday was no big deal! I have great friends who both decided I needed shaws, which face it, I did considering I went from none to two in the same week. And they know me so well.... the one from Lyndsay was a purple one and the one from Jeanne was a Tardis blue one. Perfect! Grandma came over for dinner an played with Oliver which I always love to see. I wasted two hours watching the Bachelor, man Claire is a brat! She needs to go! :) And at exactly 6:41 I took a picture of my phone of the time I officially turned 27 on the 27th and it was 27 degrees! I'm a happy camper!
I think even with all the rollercoasters we might be deciding to go ahead with the house. When Nate gets home we are going to run the numbers one more time. It needs repairs and we have to pay full closing, crappy! But I think this is going to be worth it because we will be in this completely 100% together regardless of how it turns out.
Oliver is growing growing growing. He is too tall to wear 2t shirts, but 3t and 4t look swimming on him lol I cut his hair for the first time last week. Oh my! It's kind of uneven, but at least it's not to his shoulders any more and I can even up the one side thats longer than the other when I finish recovering from the actual event of cutting it in the first place! On his second birthday he had 50 words to say. Now he is starting to put those words together. He says kitty water and daddy's brush! Those are my favorites. He can do a puzzle by himself now. And besides the vacuum which I don't know if he will ever not love, he loves jumping on the bed :) He likes to play in the play places at malls and likes to eat crackers and drink his "wawer" which is water! He amazes me every day and I've lost track of all the ways he's growing up. It's not always perfect, he's a tough little guy sometimes, but the sweetest thing in the world so I have no genuine complaints :)
Well, that's an overview. In 15 minutes I have to go do my school pick up job so I have to get going. The blog flow I had this morning was interrupted by my dad needing the computer, so Im all out of things to say for now anyways, which also is my excuse for why I haven't written, just haven't known what to say.
Thanks for reading, and maybe check back for some pictures when I can get a hold of my mom's laptop sometime to upload some!
